shit your parents say

Why I Hate Fishing

2010-01-28T12:02:00.000-08:00

Fishing was one of dad's favorite past times. It got him out of the house and put food on the table. Hard to find issue with that. However, his quest for fresh fish would often override his common sense and parental instincts. One incident involved smelt fishing.

Smelt is a little tiny fish that travel in large numbers during early spring. You catch them with nets. These little fish are pretty tasty, BUT, if you've ever been forced to fish for them, you might want to consider a McDonald's cheeseburger instead.

The smelt run is usually in April. April in Wisconsin is still basically Winter but with a sloppy wet layer of melt on top of the snow and ice. So taking a 5 year old out on the edge of an icy pier during high winds while it is snowing, handing her a dip net, and telling her to scoop up as many fish as possible while leaning over the side might not be a good way to win a "Father of the Year" award.

I did live through the experience, but now my sons can read this and understand why I never sent them to go fishing with grandpa.

Golden but not silent

2009-11-23T08:50:00.000-08:00

When hearing that a friend of hers got dumped by her boyfriend, Sally gave some of her special brand of consolation.

"Of course he broke up with you. You weren't very nice to him. Did you think you had a golden pussy or something?"

Animal, vegetable or mineral?

2009-11-06T09:53:00.000-08:00

One of the joys of growing up with Pete and Sally was preparing diner. I didn't actually cook the main course. Mom would do this and put it in her trusty crock pot before she headed to work. The job for me, Mike and Kristin was to set the table and make the side dishes before dad got home.

We usually made minute rice, mashed potatoes or some kind of pasta for the starch and also heated up some canned vegetables. Our favorite was always corn. Dad preferred peas. While we loved fresh peas, canned peas were a completely different matter. Not only were they mushy, they turned this horrible grayish color when cooked. The flavor and texture were also quite disgusting.

When dad told us that he was sick of corn and we weren't allowed to pick that for our veggie, we tried to find something besides those horrible peas to use as our side dish. Unfortunately were we out of any other canned veggie. While none of us were big fans of french cut green beans or yellow wax beans, we could choke those down if the alternative was those horrible, disgusting peas.

Not having the bean back-up put us in a panic. We were forced to get creative. As it turned out, mom had recently begun another round of Weight Watchers. She had stocked the refrigerator with actual fresh vegetables! We came up with the brilliant plan to make salads! We would still make dad his horrible, gray mushy peas, but we would be eating a fresh salad with sliced tomatoes and cucumber and tons of Catalina dressing. It was the perfect compromise. Well, at least WE thought so.

Dad came home in his usually crabby mood. We had the table set with our finest Hardy's Looney Tunes drinking glasses, mismatched plates, margarine tub salad bowls and silverware pilfered from the local Howard Johnson's. We passed around the pork chops and gravy from the crock pot mom had prepared earlier, the Minute Rice we just made and handed dad the pot of peas while we each loaded up a salad bowl.

Not two bites in to diner dad said, "You all need to get a vegetable."

We looked at each other confused. Being the oldest and the unofficial spokesperson for our sibling group I replied, "But dad, we are all having salads."

He paused for a minute then angrily said, "I don't give a crap about your salad. You all need to take some peas NOW! You have to eat some god damn vegetables!"

My teenager smart-mouth reply was "Well what the hell do you think lettuce and cucumbers are?"

Needless to say there was a lot of screaming, I was in serious trouble and immediately grounded. I actually got off easy. While I was sent to my room, Mike & Kristin had to stay at the table and eat those damn peas. I bet to this day they still wished they had been the ones to give dad his horticultural lesson and get grounded for stating and inconvenient truth.

Therapy

2009-11-06T08:52:00.000-08:00

Submitted by: Abi Fae

When I was seeing a psychiatrist to deal with family issues, my dad asked why in the world I was in therapy. I told him because the family was dysfunctional. His supportive reply?

"Dysfunctional? Families have been dysfunctional since Cain killed Abel. We haven't killed each other! We aren't any more dysfunctional than anyone else."

The apple doesn't fall far from the crab appletree

2009-11-05T11:27:00.001-08:00

Sally's influence lingers in me to this very day. My husband recently discovered that first-hand. After he noticed I was a bit grouchy, he made the mistake of telling me...

"Stop being a crab!"

My reply? "Stop being an idiot. The two are related you know."

Northern Comfort

2009-10-29T12:44:00.001-07:00

When Kristin broke up with her boyfriend, Sally offered her special brand of parental comfort and sympathy by saying, "You're never going to get married, are you?"

Reach out and touch someone

2009-10-21T17:13:00.000-07:00

Actual phone message left on my sister Kirstin's voice mail after she had not heard from mom in a couple of weeks....

"Hi this your mother, umm I had gall bladder surgery and I made it. I didn't croak so I am home recovering. Bye"

She later called me to inform me she wasn't dead. I chewed her out for not telling me BEFORE she went in for surgery. She said there was no point in making me worry and asked why I would want to know anyway. My reply?

"Well, if you end up dead, I need to know the name of the hospital to sue. I'm sure as hell not going to inherit any money from you so I have to cash in somehow!"

(I learned from the best :D)

Feeling neighborly

2009-10-21T17:02:00.000-07:00

There was a large group of us kids ranging in age from 3-7 that played together in a big pack. We didn't always get along. Rick, one of the neighbor's sons, often picked on my little brother. One day mom had enough of Rick giving Mike a hard time after he came home crying and ratted out Rick.

"Greg! Your damn brother Rick is picking on Mike again. Here is $5. Go beat him up for me, ok?"

Drink up!

2009-10-21T16:57:00.000-07:00

"Aww geez those brandy slushes gave me such heartburn yesterday. Give me another one." - Sally

Big hairy deal

2009-10-20T21:43:00.001-07:00

Note to parents:

When your young daughter has hair like this...
...and you get tired of brushing out the tangles, taking her to the barber instead of the beauty salon because the barber is cheaper and closer to the house is TOTALLY NOT COOL!
And, no. Putting her in a frilly dress does not make her look any less like a boy or make the other kids in preschool less likely to tease her on a daily basis.
Neither does sticking a random barrette in the front of what is left of her hair. All it will do is piss her off so that when she is 46, she will co-author a blog highlighting dumb shit you said and did to her growing up.

Project Runway

2009-10-19T20:40:00.000-07:00

"Jesus Christ! What are you wearing? You look like a god damn Polack! Go and change before the neighbors see."

Speaking of blood

2009-10-16T20:42:00.000-07:00

"Ahhhhh! Get out of here with that bloody nose! Stick a snowball on it until it stops. THEN you can come inside!" - Sally

The one about the red bike

2009-10-16T20:06:00.000-07:00

When I was 4, I got a red bike for Christmas. I remember it being very tall and getting a bit scared when Dad put me on it because the training wheels wobbled. I was really tall for my age though and a typical tricycle would not fit my long legs. A "big girl" bike with training wheels was a logical thing for Santa to bring. Since it was winter and we were in Wisconsin, the bike was put away to wait for spring.

When spring arrived, I finally got to ride the bike. It was still a bit intimidating, but I finally got the hang of the training wheels and rode it everywhere. The only problem was the training wheels came loose very easily. I was constantly bugging dad to tighten or adjust the trainers.

Dad had decided he finally had enough with the damn training wheels and took them off. He concluded his life would be much easier if he didn't have to keep looking for the wrench and doing repairs. Unfortunately, I was still 4 and did NOT want my training wheels off. After repeated attempts in the driveway, I was just not catching on to balancing and dad was getting really frustrated. He then came up with the idea that if I was going down hill I would have some momentum and it would be easier for me to balance.

He took me and the bike in to the alley behind the house and pointed it down the slope. With the momentum I actually was able to balance. Unfortunately, the alley was not that long. It ended in a T. And while I had learned balance, I had not yet figured out breaking OR turning. The grassy area at the end of the alley might have been a good place to crash, but the property owner had recently had some sharp, pointy, white landscaping rock delivered right where the alley ended in front of the grass. Of course, this is where I crashed.

My shiny read bike was now a mess, my hands were cut up, my knees and elbows were scraped, and I had a bloody nose. Dad ran down the hill and I also saw mom running behind him as i screamed my head off in pain and fear. They got me to the house and cleaned me up. Well, Dad did anyway. Mom was in the bedroom yelling at dad for sending me in to a pile of rocks while we were in the kitchen. Since mom couldn't stand the site of blood, she refused to come out until I was cleaned up. As dad was rinsing all the blood off I remember him saying....

"Don't worry Sal. I bet she'll miss the rock pile tomorrow."

Holy shit

2009-10-16T12:26:00.000-07:00

Kris: "Mom can I go to church with grandma?"

Sally: "Why in the hell would you want to do that?"

Kris: "I dunno, to hang out with grandma?"

Sally: "You better not come back and ask me to take you, cause that is just not going to happen!"

The Pepsi generation

2009-10-16T05:42:00.000-07:00

"NEVER take the last Pepsi. The last Pepsi is ALWAYS mine. I might need it if I catch a hangover."

Branded for life

2009-10-16T05:33:00.000-07:00

Sally's comment after her 3rd child, Kristin was born and she only weighed 6 lbs.

"I can't believe I got so fat because of that little turd!"

After hearing this, Michael began calling his new sister "Turd". It is her nickname to this day.

Fat, pregnant or really, really constipated?

Latchkey kid...sans key

2009-10-15T20:52:00.000-07:00

9:00 am on a typical Saturday morning

"There is a peanut butter sandwich in this bag along with an apple, a banana and a can of Tab. Here. Now don't come back until dinner." - Sally

Sibling commentary

2009-10-15T20:47:00.000-07:00

"It's not your brother's fault he's goofy. He takes after his father" - Sally

Goofy is as goofy does

Silence is golden

2009-10-15T20:03:00.001-07:00

Submitted by Ed D.

"Just keep your comments to yourself or don't say them at all." - Dave D.

Nutritional nurturing

2009-10-15T19:45:00.000-07:00

"Don't like what I cooked? Tough! I guess you will just have to starve to death. Besides, it looks like you could live off the "fat of the land" for a while." - Sally

A teaching moment

2009-10-15T19:38:00.000-07:00

"Michael James! How many times do I have to tell you that you have a little SISTER and not a brother. You can't teacher her things like belching on command!"

Family Planning

2009-10-15T19:34:00.000-07:00

Mike teasing Kristin: "You were an accident!"
Mom: "Ha! You and Linda were the accidents. Kristin was the only one that we wanted!"

Opppsies!

Identity crisis

2009-10-15T13:57:00.000-07:00

"LIN...MICHA...KRIS...RUSTY..... OH YOU KNOW WHO THE HELL YOU ARE! GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!"

Gender bender

2009-10-15T11:51:00.000-07:00

Submitted by Abi Fae

My mom once asked me and my sister, while watching my brother walk into his high school...

"Is he gay? He walks like he's gay. I really think he has to be gay. Your brother is so gay."

After that, every time he had a friend to the house she made comments about them being lovers.

Happy Birthday!

2009-10-15T11:07:00.000-07:00

While walking through the door, Pete drops Linda's 16th birthday cake on the floor completely ruining it.

"What? I only dropped it because the house looked so messy. I guess you should have picked up."

Only two ways to get a man?

2009-10-15T11:02:00.000-07:00

Said to Linda about Kristin...

"It is a good thing your sister is cute. She sure as hell can't cook!"

No cooking skills required

PHOTO BY: ART MONTES

Why mom never became a vet

2009-10-15T10:53:00.000-07:00

Linda: "Mom! Stop giving the dog chicken bones! She'll choke!"
Mom (as she hands the Irish Setter another chicken bone): "Well what the hell do you think I am trying to do? The damn dog just wont die!"

Pete the great educator

2009-10-15T10:48:00.000-07:00

Pete: "NOW what are you reading?"
Linda: "Romeo & Juliet"
Pete: "You read too much. You don't need to read, you need to do chores."
Linda: "It's for English class tomorrow. I have to finish reading it and write a report."
Pete: "Tough shit. Go chop some wood. I want a fire tonight."

The sex talk

2009-10-15T09:39:00.000-07:00

Mom: "Hey Kris, are you a lesbian?"
Kris: " Uhhhh no."
Mom: "Are you sure?"
Kris: "Yeah."
Mom: " Well you know you and Bridget look like a couple of dikes. Of course you're the lipstick but you look like dikes."
Kris: "OooooKaaayyyy."
Mom: "Well let me know if you change your mind."

Sally the relationship counselor

2009-10-15T09:38:00.000-07:00

Sally's advice to her 2 daughters

"Men...they are all idiots. It just how much are you going to put up with is the question."

Mom the part-time nutritionist

2009-10-15T09:37:00.001-07:00

Mom: "Are you hungry? There is pork in the fridge."
Vegetarian Daughter: "Mom I still don't eat meat".
Mom: "So it is in fridge just eat it."